Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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