So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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