Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
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Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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