I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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