it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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