There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
