Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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