went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
