Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
