She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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