According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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