My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
