There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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