I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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