Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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