Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
