I think I won the penis lottery.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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