I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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