Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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