I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
