I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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