my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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