"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
