I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Pants are for mortals
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
