dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
