um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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