There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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