So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
