you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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