bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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