I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
