some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
