so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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