The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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