i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
