I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
