just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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