cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
