The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
