Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
