oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
