I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
