Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
