It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
