I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
