My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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