This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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