I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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