I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
