So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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