i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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