Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
