I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i don't like sucking hair
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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