nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
