Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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