On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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