You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
